Saturday, July 4, 2009

00:01 - From the Journal of Simon Mercy

[I can't get this out of my system, so I'm going to try again. First few posts may be repetitive for some of you.]

I don't know why I'm writing this. It's not like the first Traveler who stumbles across it isn't going to erase it. If that's you, whoever you are - I know the rules; but I had to do something. I had to say something. I couldn't just let... well. You know what I'm talking about.

[Edit: In point of fact, I do know what the author - who's name, by the way is Simon Mercy - is talking about. Also, I've decided not to erase this work - though it will mean my death, just as surely as it does for Mercy.]

The most difficult thing I ever had to do was accept the fact that I am no longer human.

No. That's not right. That was the first hurdle, really. What I had to do was accept the fact that I am not human. At least - not human, the way most people think human.

It's harder than it looks. These hands - they are not me. This breath - is not me. I am not the sights and sounds and smells and tastes and feelings that come in at me from the universe. I am neither the receiver of these impulses, nor the reactions they elicit. I am not this bag of flesh and bone and water; hell - I am not the molecules and atoms and smaller particles that form around me and force me to see the through this so-limiting filter.

I can't articulate this very well. Like I said, it took me almost a decade to figure it out. All that time, I wondered, "why isn't there a manual for this? Why isn't there - even just a flow-chart or something to show me how to get there? Because you just can't do it. If you understand it, then you will understand it when you see it. If you do not understand it, it - well - it cannot be explained.

Sad truth is, movie-maker George Lucas came closest with the line in his film,
The Empire Strikes Back when the old Jedi Master, Yoda said, "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."

That comes close - but then, of course - misses the mark by miles. I feel bad for even trying to explain it. I guess the reason for the ban on teaching is this confusion. The depression that threatens to set upon me and give me

Let me change gears.

The first time I knowingly crossed paths with another Traveler was in 1978. Shortly before I managed to break what I call "the 8th Barrier." His name was Roland. He was an odd kinda' guy with a long, scraggly beard and wild Einstein hair.

I was at a small cafe in Paris, France - enjoying the company of a beautiful, young
fille, whose name escapes me now. I just looked up for a moment, and saw him, he looked like a homeless man, begging for liquer money - it was like looking at the sun, he was so brilliant. He was looking at me and smiling.

Christ, I thought, is that what I look like?

Madeleine. The girl's name was Madeleine. I excused myself, telling her again how mind-boggling beautiful she was, and I'd be right back, and I walked away from her forever. Oh, sure, I could go back. I may get drunk enough, or lonely enough to do it still; but right now she is this perfect, beautiful, young goddess - and nothing can tarnish that truth. If... shit - when I go back to her, she becomes something new. She becomes human. Limited. Flawed. Real. I'll hold on to the goddess a while longer. But I'm off-track again.

Roland is homeless. And he is begging for liquor money. I give him $100, U.S.; and we duck into a tavern half-way around the world.

This may take some explaining.

1 comment:

Lez said...

Just go ahead and keep them coming. It's a good start.


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