Wednesday, March 24, 2010

A Pretty Swell Guy

(Excerpted & edited from an archives 2009 4chan thread)
Warning! What has been seen, cannot be unseen!

Has anyone ever taken an serious look at the Tarrasque's picture? He's not roaring; he's smiling. The little guys? They're not RUNNING AWAY from him, they're running alongside him! Note how they're not flailing their arms around and screaming. They're laughing and gesturing for Tarry to come and follow! They're all jolly good friends!

Poor guy's so misunderstood; but next Tarrasquemas, he'll return. Friend to all children - he emerges from his workshop in the middle of the earth and walks through town handing out gifts to the good little girls and boys. If you were good all year, you can run out into the street and play with the Tarrasque, riding his giant carapaced back or running alongside his powerful, earth-shaking feet.

We don't talk about what happens to the bad little girls and boys. :(
Dashing through the snow!
On his carapace we will sway!
Through the streets we go!
Laughing all the way!

Thunderous is his stride!
Colossal is his size!
What fun it is to ride atop
The Tarasque's oh so massive thighs!


Jingle Bells (stomp), Jingle Bells (Stomp), Jingle All the Way!
Oh what fun it is to play with Tarrasques all the day, Hey!
Jingle Bells (stomp), Jingle Bells (Stomp), Jingle All the Way!
Oh what fun it is to play with Tarrasques all the day!
Tarrasquemas comes but once in a lifetime, but we celebrate it every Ninth of September with the giving of gifts and indulging in the mass consumption of all things edible. Eating so much you pass out. And don't forget to leave cookies of chocolate and horse meat outside your door for sweet Tarry as he tromps through the countryside handing out gifts of joy and love.

From the Book of Mooks, Chapter 23
"23:33 And when they were come to the place which is called Faerun, there they struck him down to -30HP, and there they made a wish for his destruction.
23:34 Then said the Tarrasque, "Ao, forgive them, for they not not what they do. And they parted his carapace, and cast lots for his horns and loot.
23:35 And the NPCs stood beholding. And the adventurers also with them derided them saying, "He ate others, let him save himself, if he be Tarrasque, the Epic Level Solo."
To celebrate Tarrasquemas, bring cakes and sausages and alcohol in all forms to your gaming session. Before you eat, think about how important it is to be nice to your fellows, even if they - or indeed you - appear to be a monstrous engine of destruction bent on consuming everything in sight. Eat cake and eat sausage and drink your fill and have fun. A Great Day for All!

Jolly Tarrasquemas to one and all!

The dwarf elders spun stories to the young hairy-chinned children of a day when the ground rumbles, announcing the return of the Tarrasque. The boys and girls who had behaved for their parents and were kind to all others could leave the caves to the surface, where they would receive gifts from the magnificent beast.

How can you look at this image and not understand how kind and loving the Tarrasque actually is?

"Happy hey, Happy hey
The Tarrasque is on his way!
Hear the children, hear them cheer,
'Tarrasque day's drawing near!'"

"You better watch out
you better not cry
better not pout
I'm telling you why
The Tarrasque is coming to town.

He's takin' a rest
not wakin' up twice;
hopin' the adventurers are all nice
The Tarrasque is coming to town.

He sees you when you're sleeping
you know when he's awake
He's sorry if he thinks your food
So try not to smell like cake!

O! You better watch out
You better not cry
better not pout
I'm telling you why
The Tarrasque is coming to town.
The Tarrasque is coming to town.

Every monster down in Fallcrest loved Tarrasquemas a lot.
But the munchkin who lived north of Fallcrest did not.
It could be because he was min-maxed too much.
It could be because he was greedy and such.
But the most likely reason he was so mean, they say
Was that he would rollplay, not roleplay, all day.

But whatever the reason, his stats or his play,
He stood there above town before Tarrasquemas Day.
For below he could see, every monster beneath,
Was happy now making an elven-gut wreath.

"Now they're arranging encounters," he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow's Tarrasquemas, it's practically here!"
And he sneered with his munchkin dice nervously rolling,
"I must find a way to stop Tarrasquemas from coming!"
"For tomorrow, you see, every goblin and orc,
"They'll exchange all their presents, the'll eat their long pork.
"Then they'll be happy and content, then they'll happily sing,
"It'll make me feel hapy when rage is my thing."

So he hitched up his sleigh to his warhorses heavy,
Which he'd min-maxed to go faster than a '54 Chevy.
With bags of holding and portable holes,
He raced down to town laden down with 10-foot poles.

With his sword he did lay waste to monsters left and right,
And thought he would slaughter all day and all night.
Racing past guards wearing seven-league boots.
To race back up home with his treasure and loots.

When to his dismay, he heard a terrible roar,
Scarier than anything he'd heard e're before.
And down through the streets raced a monster Colossal,
Twas the Tarrasque! That lovely old fossil!

The munchkin, he screamed and turned quite white
And pissed in his trousers, from terrified fright.
Seeing himself in that massive black eye,
He was quite certain that he soon would die.

But the Tarrasquemas spirit extends to one and all,
To good and to evil, to chaos and law.
And so he was led to a table, I think
And given a glass of fine dwarven ale to drink.

A lovely roast sausage inside of a roll
was placed in his hand by a kobold so droll.
And as he stood there, aghast and bemused.
The monsters stood round him and chuckled, amused.

And the munchkin with his munchkin feet ice cold in the snow,
stood INT-checking and INT-checking, how could it be so?
It came without feats, it came without stats?
It came without swords, or crossbows or bats?

And he INT-checked and Int-checked 'till his dice were worn.
Then the munchkin thought of something he hadn't before.
What if Tarrasquemas, he though, doesn't have just a CR?
What if Tarrasquemas needs just a little bit more?

And then the littlist kobold of all
Stood there before him, with his scarf oh so small.
He said, "silly human, you don't comprehend,
"Today is Tarrasquemas, all conflict must end!"

"For tomorrow we'll go back to the things that we do,
"You'll try to kill us and we'll try to kill you.
"But until then, why don't we be nice to each other.
"For one day, let PCs and mobs be like brothers!"

Then the munchkin looked 'round at the monsters so sweet,
And thought to himself, "That's a lot of XP."
He drew his sword then and he started to charge.
But was promptly crushed under a foot oh-so large.

Today is Tarrasquemas, the day for good cheer,
But if you're an asshole, you're dead now, y'hear?
Because Grampy Tarry's patrolling the streets.
So if you're not nice, you'll wind up dead meats.

So drink up your ale and your eggnog so tasty,
And share with your friends some pudding that's hasty.
Give away presents for 1d4 days,
and let you're GM know that he's doing okay.

Let's run with the Tarrasque as he bounds through the town,
And when the day's over, we'll see him burrow down.
To the center of the earth where he'll sleep all the day,
Dreaming of next year, the next Tarrasquemas Day.

I believe in the Tarrasque. Though we celebrate but once - and remember only once a year, Every Day can be Tarrasquemas - if you just keep the Tarrasque in your heart. It's change we can believe in.

God, I want to make this canon in my D&D games - THAT'S IT, from now on, the Tarrasque is a pretty swell guy.

"A ring of sustenance lacks the enchantment to sate the Epic Hunger of the Tarrasque. It takes a hearty Tarrasquemas Dinner with plenty of nog for that!"

"The Terrasque saved my kitten once, when it was stuck up in a tree! I mean, sure - yeah, it was smushed kitten paste, but he tried, dammit! He tried!"

"You people remind me of a mother and her hideous, unholy spawn of Iblies that she parades around as her offspring and calls "cute.""

No comments:


Free Online Dating from JustSayHi

88% Geek