Sunday, April 25, 2010

60 Paper Cranes

This week is a bust.

So is this post. I have no inspiration.

I set out to write this long, boring diatribe about how disappointed I was in my handling of the time given me these past few days (decades). Then I remembered that I've done that already, so I'm not going to subject you to that bullshit again.

Monday was my 37th birthday. Aside from a nice dinner with the family and a few drinks with friends, however, it just seemed like Monday.

I got the pull-up bar I wanted for my legs & back routine. Pokémon: SoulSilver for my DS. A bag of Gummy Bears, I'm ashamed to say I ate (Gummy Bears contain Gelatin, which is pretty much just powdered bone slime). I got twenty bucks.

It's more than I deserved, and I'm really happy to have the people in my life that I do.

I found out that there really is a way for me to attain the previously unattainable goal of owning a motorcycle by year's end. I am completely blown away that - after writing the goal down (with no knowledge of how it might happen), a pathway opened up. I don't want to get all new-agey and weird, but that's fucking amazing. Even if it doesn't work out.

I didn't write anything this week.

That's not true. I wrote the notes of a story I thought I wanted to write about young Jesus. But it's been done, and - pretty much - after Last Temptation, you don't need another Jesus story. I also wrote about 10,000 words of what amounts to choose-your-own-adventure fanfic, set in the Firefly universe. Now that I'm not caught up in the whirlwind of "the technology makes it possible so it must be amazing," it feels pretty stupid.

I doubt I made anyone's life better this week. I was superfluous.

Like Donald Kaufman, I'm learning that "you are what you love, not what loves you." That's pretty great. I wish I'd learned it thirty years ago. I have love in me again. I'm so amazed by the possibility of that, I just don't know how to react to it.

It's got me rudderless, though - blowing about every which way. I find myself sitting in the dark flickering light of the screen, late at night, wondering what direction my life will take now. Where am I supposed to go? Do? Sometimes wondering what direction my life should have taken. But the past is just the ripples of now.

I want more. I guess that about sums it up.

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